Rap Puppet

djemboy2

i know this may get laughed off the board, but i reckon any opinion is better than no opinon, so rip it to pieces guys, this was written as an observation of how new rap acts will give up control for fame


Verse 1
Got spinners on my car and a grill on my teeth
And you’ve all seen my crib on MTV
Got my honey’s half naked with a supermodel strut
And just to be authentic I call them all sluts

Verse 2
I’m famous and important so the sycophants say
That I influence youth culture in a positive way
All my words have a message so they keep telling me
I’ve looked at them before guess eventually I’ll see

Chorus
Rap Puppet on a string, dead presidents as friends
The line between reality and fantasy blends
Rap Puppet who’s your master, who’s the one who pulls the strings
Are you ready for the downside that this lifestyle’s gonna bring

Verse 3
I’m surrounded by people, I have an image to maintain
Work hard pushed harder so much money to attain
Takin pills to stay awake, takin pills to come down
Another 32 concerts, Another 32 towns

Verse 4
I’m tired and weak in more ways than one
I used to have a family nearly all my friends are gone
But I guess its worth it all with the promises they’ve made
So for now I’ll get cash advance until the big payday

Chorus
Rap Puppet on a string, dead presidents as friends
The line between reality and fantasy blends
Rap Puppet who’s your master, who’s the one who pulls the strings
Are you ready for the downside that this lifestyle’s gonna bring

I-RoNiK

i fink its good!

djemboy2

thanks Ronik
i appreciate any criticism that is given

DustySkidz

Not bad, but you gotta know the difference between verses and bars. Verses are usually 8-10 bars long, and they usually come either side of a hook or chorus. You verses are only 2 bars each, so the should be part of the same verse up to the chorus (Ya dig?).
This is ok for a little freestyle or whatever, but if you really wanna write a song you need to make it longer. I think the chorus is very good, but it could do with being two bars longer.

Please let me know if I'm patronising you, but this is an example of a song structure.....

1st Verse: 8 or 10 bars
Chorus/Hook : 4 bars
2nd verse: 8 or 10 bars
Chorus/Hook : 4 bars

For a simple 24 bar song, that's a normal structure. You can of course add more verses on, but try to make sure they are all the same size and each verse has an even number of bars.

But anyway, keep it up. You'll get better with practice. If this is one of your first joints, then you've done well. The best thing to do for ideas etc, is have a read through the forum and look at other peoples stuff and see how other people go about writing tunes.

Exzes

There is no rule to the length of verses, or choruses. Eminem and many others have done a full track without a single chorus. Other artists have also done tracks where the choruses are actually longer than the verses...

So long as it sounds right, and flows nicely, you don't need to put any limits on yourself. KRS-One normally rolls with 6 bars for verses and 2 for choruses. But he also switches up all the time. I just finished listening to Illegal Business Remix 2004, and that is far from any rules of uniform spitting, yet a DOPE track...

http://www.ohhla.com/anonymous/krs_...ll_2004.krs.txt

But feedback on this...it seems nice. A couple of the lines look like they could be trouble if and when they are put into audio, but they can be tweaked if needs be, depends on your spitting styling. Any chance of the audio?

djemboy2

I should have the audio for this in about 1-2 weeks, at this point in time i have to write lyrics for a new girl band that are bein released in the UK, i thankyou for your comments, in the mean time if you know any female rappers that would be willing to do vocals for another track i have written let me know.

djemboy2

Dusty
thanks for the reply, this rap was a commercial effort, and as you are probably aware on a commercial recording the length of time for airplay is usually 3-4 minutes, which is why the verses are the length that they are, if you count as you rap you will find that each verse lasts for 32 beats, which equates out to 8 bars(4/4 time) as is the chorus, i am not sure how a 10 bar verse would sound, personally i think it would be too long, and as you know that most commercial songs regardless of musical category follow this structure, i have only been writing for 8 months now but i have been listening to music all my life, so i know that this piece is ther correct lengths in every part, but i thankyou for thinking that the information would help
Michael

DustySkidz

Oh, I see. Well, I never write to a time limit or write commercial tracks. I just usually write 3 verses of eight bars with a 4 bar hook/chorus, which was probably why I was confused about your rhyme.
I just prefer to write more bars cos I got a lot to say!

Exzes

“	Originally Posted By: djemboy2 Dusty thanks for the reply, this rap was a commercial effort, and as you are probably aware on a commercial recording the length of time for airplay is usually 3-4 minutes, which is why the verses are the length that they are, if you count as you rap you will find that each verse lasts for 32 beats, which equates out to 8 bars(4/4 time) as is the chorus, i am not sure how a 10 bar verse would sound, personally i think it would be too long, and as you know that most commercial songs regardless of musical category follow this structure, i have only been writing for 8 months now but i have been listening to music all my life, so i know that this piece is ther correct lengths in every part, but i thankyou for thinking that the information would help Michael	”

To be fair, those verses are 16 beats max...unless your going on some majorly slow rapping or some hyperdrive DnB music.

EDIT: Infact, I just noticed that you put 2 verses one after the other. So yeah, 32 beats.


Verse 1
Got spinners on my car BEAT and a grill on my teeth BEAT
And you’ve all seen my crib BEAT on MTV BEAT
Got my honey’s half naked BEAT with a supermodel strut BEAT
And just to be authentic BEAT I call them all sluts BEAT

Verse 2
I’m famous and important BEAT so the sycophants say BEAT
That I influence youth culture BEAT in a positive way BEAT
All my words have a message BEAT so they keep telling me BEAT
I’ve looked at them before BEAT guess eventually I’ll see BEAT

DustySkidz

Yeah, that confused me too

djemboy2

Dusty and exzes
thankyou both for your comments, and yes they were both helpfull, i have another track i would like you to comment on, now that you know the structure i stick to, mind if i post it?
Michael
PS whats the rules on curse words?