I've just seen the link for this on uptown...so I had a go myself...read below...
Link for it is http://www.dc8p.com/bigbrother.html
Day 1 - FUZZY BEAR admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of LADY ICE. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, SARES is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although DJ WISEGUY later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. DJ ABLE creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. EVASIVE hits him with a SPOON.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of CANARY WHARF out of EGGS. After much persuasion by DJ ABLE, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the CANARY WHARF task is well under way. However havoc ensues when DJ WISEGUY, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat $$$$$$$ in the house, eats half the EGGS. EVASIVE is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the CANARY WHARF task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when DJ WISEGUY farts and blows CANARY WHARF over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. LADY ICE cries.
6 - DJ ABLE gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, LADY ICE admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a SPOON. FUZZY BEAR says he never wears condoms because they make his BALLS sore and DJ ABLE agrees. SARES goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual $$$$$$$s. DJ WISEGUY sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up DJ ABLE.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. FUZZY BEAR goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. EVASIVE and LADY ICE are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for FUZZY BEAR.
9 - EVASIVE and LADY ICE are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. SARES sings them a song - 21 SECONDS - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote LADY ICE out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. LADY ICE leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with LADY ICE's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. SARES has to make do without the cucumber she requested. EVASIVE is visibly depressed and is comforted by DJ ABLE, who tries to touch her on her BUM CHEEKS.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of DJ ABLE touching EVASIVE's BUM CHEEKS over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that DJ WISEGUY refuses to run because his BALLS hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. DJ WISEGUY finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. EVASIVE calls DJ WISEGUY a lazy BALLS.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. FUZZY BEAR tells everyone individually that he thinks EVASIVE is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. EVASIVE and DJ ABLE are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for FUZZY BEAR.
16 - The nominations are announced. EVASIVE can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. DJ ABLE is equally stunned and turns to EVASIVE for comfort. DJ WISEGUY is distraught and confesses to SARES that he thinks he is in love with DJ ABLE. SARES says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote DJ ABLE out of the house. EVASIVE says she is gutted and even gives DJ ABLE a clipping of hair from her BUM CHEEKS to prove how much she cares. DJ WISEGUY is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. DJ ABLE leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of EVASIVE clipping the hair from her BUM CHEEKS. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of AFRICA in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of AFRICA sounds like but DJ WISEGUY says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose FUZZY BEAR as the one who must complete the task.
21 - FUZZY BEAR successfully burps not only the National Anthem of AFRICA but also God Save The Queen, 21 SECONDS and the theme tune to GRAHAM NORTON. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and FUZZY BEAR tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. DJ WISEGUY and SARES are nominated.
23 - DJ WISEGUY and SARES take their nominations well and sit down with FUZZY BEAR and EVASIVE to discuss why they voted for them. FUZZY BEAR keeps quiet but EVASIVE accuses DJ WISEGUY of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred BALLS before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote SARES out of the house and nobody really gives a $$$$. SARES leaves.
25 - FUZZY BEAR becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of FUZZY BEAR's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a $$$$$$.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of ELEPHANT dung using only a SPOON. FUZZY BEAR is unsure but DJ WISEGUY is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, DJ WISEGUY breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the ELEPHANT incident from his childhood. EVASIVE tries to persuade him to stay but FUZZY BEAR sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. DJ WISEGUY decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the ELEPHANT dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by EVASIVE from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. FUZZY BEAR asks EVASIVE to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly FUZZY BEAR nominates EVASIVE to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does EVASIVE.
30 - When the nomination is announced, EVASIVE graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that FUZZY BEAR is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. FUZZY BEAR takes his £70,000 and runs away to AFRICA. Nobody, including EVASIVE, ever sees him again.
LMAO!!!! How I ended up as the lesbian I dunno!!!