Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that
money can buy."
"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said,'
that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'."
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I
visited the Statue of Liberty."
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five,
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz SLK 230
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay
good money for in later life."
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's
Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General
Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for
forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists
who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic;
"I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to
arrange the meeting."