Friday Funnies!

**lady_*ice** · 09-08-2002, 10:27 AM

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
Robin Williams.

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown.

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life
at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that
money can buy."
Steve Martin.

"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said,'
that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'."
Emo Philips.

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen.

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I
visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five,
it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz SLK 230
convertible."
Unknown.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay
good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams.

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman.

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead."
Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's
the law."
Jerry Seinfeld.

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde.

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children".
A Mum.

Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General
Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for
forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists
who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic;
Schwartzkopf said,

"I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to
arrange the meeting."

**lady_*ice** · 09-08-2002, 10:30 AM

Things you didn't know..

..and didn't really want to know!

1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects-while you slept!

5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.

10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a firend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces.

**lady_*ice** · 09-08-2002, 10:38 AM

.... more to follow!

**MC Carnage** · 09-08-2002, 10:45 AM

Alex's Quotes

"Shut the f**k up Jade, I've had enough! I have never met anyone so irritating as her in all my life!"
Day 63, 03:38

"I'll never see them chickens again. It's the closest thing I've ever had to a pet."
Day 62, 23:08

"For f***'s sake, I've got Jade on my team, I won't get anywhere!"
Day 62, 01:35

"That's one thing - I'm really looking forward to, being on my own toilet."
Day 62, 00:03

"God, in a week's time, I'm never gonna see those chickens again, I'm gonna nick a Polaroid of them. I like those chickens, I really do. "
Day 60, 02:20

"Can I stop you? Mary Poppins is not real."
Day 59, 15:02

"(To Kate) I don't like Jonny's legs as much as your legs"
Day 59, 05:10

"That weren't my van, that was my man"
Day 59, 05:00

"Jonny, get your hand off my nipple"
Day 59, 04:40

"She kept on thinking that she saw the van when all she wanted was a hot blooded man"
Day 59, 04:40

"One of those chickens lays some pretty dodgy shaped eggs."
Day 52, 13:08

"The devil is stronger than the angel in my body."
Day 51, 15:15

"I've never farted so much in my life. I feel the need to go to the toilet but when I do it just bursts out in a chorus of trumpets."
Day 43, 15:36

"That must be your T-shirt Jade - It's extra large!"
Day 38, 14:11

"Jade, can you please take your eyes somewhere else. She's looking at my package!"
Day 34, 00:25

"You've got to remember the fact that half the people in here are dirty monkeys."
Day 26, 22:49

"They're all outside discussing how they are going to kill me."
Day 22, 22:35

"I wanna look skinny so everyone feels sorry for me."
Day 22, 15:51

**MC Carnage** · 09-08-2002, 10:51 AM

Jade's Quotes

"I feel like such a nugget, sitting here in my pink top waiting for someone to call my name."
Day 64, 20:37

"to Alex: I told Big Brother so many things you've learnt me, and I've been proud."
Day 64, 04:04

"If you can't talk to me for an hour, don't talk to me at all."
Day 63, 23:37

"Oh excellent, so they'll learn me how to talk properly."
Day 63, 11:06

"I can fit a four-finger Kit Kat in my mouth that way (sideways)."
Day 63, 01:37

"Alex and katie do rude things under the covers, no wonder why Katie stayed in the House so long, because she does dirty things with the boys."
Day 62, 03:47

"Jade's got the biggest trap in the House."
Day 60, 14:51

"I think them chickens have given me fleas."
Day 60, 02:20

"Am I the biggest cheddar in the world?"
Day 58, 15:27

"I think I'm going to be a fruit pastille tonight"
Day 57, 13:52

"(To Alex) I look like Miss Piggy."

"I haven't got a beaut body, I've got a kebab body. "
Day 52, 13:58

"My boobs aren't melons and they're not hard, are they?"
Day 48, 00:20

"I've always wanted to be a beauty therapist, not so much make-up cos I haven't got a clue."
Day 46, 17:57

"I can't sleep, I think you've given me that disease Jonny, insomnina."
Day 41, 01:05

"I might not understand civilised conversation and that can irritate people."
Day 40, 15:19

"Everyday somebody comments about my nipples; yes they're big."
Day 34, 19:06

"You might like fat fannies, but I'm sorry."
Day 32, 01:35

"I'm sorry, I may have rebelled the rules but it's toothpaste and I'm a dental nurse."
Day 31, 01:55

"What was I going to say? Now that's surprising, I've forgotten."
Day 28, 10:53

"In the olden days they had wirelophones and they got music out of that."
Day 27, 14:51

"Rio de Janeiro, ain't that a person?"
Day 24, 13:29

"I don't think I'm the most gorgeous girl on the planet but I look at Kate and I don't think she's pretty at all. I'm prettier than Kate. Kate has got a weird nose and weird teeth. I don't think she's nothing at all."
Day 24, 02:52

"I like to get drunk and make a fool of myself."
Day 19, 21:29

"I got a 'U' in geography"
Day 17, 23:12

"If your name's not Dan, you're not coming in."
Day 13, 12:24

"I've got good hair, considering it's bleached. I'm a fake bird."
Day 12, 11:32

"I'm not going to be an escape goat for anyone."
Day 11, 15:37

"Is Tunisia near India?"
Day 10, 11:11

**MC Carnage** · 09-08-2002, 10:53 AM

Spencer's Quotes

"I've got a Chesney Hawkes tattoo... on my a**e."
Day 29, 16:56

"Can you all avert your eyes or see my knob."
Day 29, 16:40

"What's the point of staying up if you haven't got any baccy?"
Day 26, 12:13

"(to Tim): I'm just slagging you off because you are on the rich side. I'm not going to try to get to know you. I'm just going to dislike you."
Day 25, 12:50

"I don't lead a complex life, all I want is $$$s."
Day 23, 19:29

"I want loads of eggs out of you dudes today."
Day 20, 06:30

"Get off those radishes! You [chicken] can't be trusted."
Day 20, 06:30

"I don't see the point in snogging someone, unless you want to shag them"
Day 18, 00:09

"Alex has the body of an attractive woman."
Day 13, 12:12

"But without having reason to live in here there's no point getting up."
Day 12, 20:46

"I've got really nice teeth...for someone who doesn't brush often."
Day 12, 05:17

"Can you tell Kate to come out 'cos I need a girlfriend."
Day 12, 03:52

"Do you know if you put hot water in the kettle it boils quicker."
Day 11, 18:07

"F*** that... just for a wash? When there's no one to meet?"
Day 6, 11:55

**MC Carnage** · 09-08-2002, 10:56 AM

PJ's Quotes

"When I lost my virginity, that was an important one cos that put me on the right track."
Day 46, 20:08

"At parties you get the thongs, tongs rather."
Day 46, 12:35

"I'm a lot more practical than I thought. As you've probably gathered, I'm a bit of a lad."
Day 46, 12:35

"I'm the horniest man in the world."
Day 45, 14:18

"Giving up sausages Jade. It'll be like me and women, I can't give them up."
Day 45, 11:39

"My name is PJ I am always talking about sex and birds and I'm a muppet"
Day 42, 17:16

"I don't think [Jade] thinks mate, or if she does, she's very clever."
Day 39, 12:07

"People probably hate me out there because I didn't have the best first couple of weeks. I was naked, p****d out of my head, and pulled Jade."
Day 39, 01:10

"I tell you what, you'll see different sides of people living in close confines."
Day 38, 00:47

"If I was a betting man, I wouldn't have bet against Jonny."
Day 37, 14:35

"Why can't you just say, ''f**k off, I'm nominating you this Monday'."
Day 34, 22:45

"If I'm on the poor side, Jade's going over there."
Day 33, 01:50

"I need a poo. I'm gonna pass out. I'm going to the toilet."
Day 32, 20:38

"The thing is with mine, flaccid - not big at all. [With an erection] it goes past my belly button, no, just before. And it's quite fat."
Day 32, 01:24

"It's like a playground in here."
Day 29, 01:45

"I've got chicken poo on my top."
Day 28, 10:58

"You are both the best looking blokes in the House, removing me from the equation because that would be unfair."
Day 26, 14:15

"The chicken is smaller today. It's like my c**k, shrinking as the weeks go by."
Day 26, 14:01

**Jamie D** · 09-08-2002, 10:57 AM

Originally posted by lady_*ice
Things you didn't know..

..and didn't really want to know!

1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

In an hours swimming I tend not to drink the pool water.

Silly gay statistitions.

**MC Carnage** · 09-08-2002, 11:01 AM

Originally posted by lady_*ice
5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Interesting how the women stat is higher....

**Jamie D** · 09-08-2002, 11:02 AM

Next time I shake a womans hand I'm gonna give it a $$$$ing hard sniff.

**lady_*ice** · 09-08-2002, 01:45 PM

> Filthy Friday Jokes >
>
> There was a young gypsy girl Rose
> With obsessions for gentlemen's' hose.
> Up her $$$$$, her rear,
> In her mouth and each ear
> And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.
>
> There once was this guy named Stan
> Who had some trouble being a man.
> Wore a dress and high heels
> Drove a Chevy with pink wheels...
> And soon Stan became a tran.
>
> The once was a girl named Kate,
> Whose $$$$$ smelled like bait!
> Whenever Jeff pounds her
> The room reeks of flounder.
> Her twat, she should refrigerate.
>
> There once was this bum $$$$ing $$$got!
> He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it!
> One day he $$$$ed the wrong ass
> Now he's pushing up grass
> And his only mate is a maggot
>
> Q: Did you hear about the two Scottish poofters?
> A: Ben Doon and Phil McCrevis.
>
> Q: What do you call two Irish poofters?
> A: Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
>
> Don't let your affection give you an infection.
> Put some protection on that erection.
>
>
> ~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~* ~^~*~^~*~
>
> Little Johnny is walking down the street when a car pulls up. The car
> door opens and a man says, "Hey little boy, I'll give you a piece of
> candy if you'll come in the car."
>
> Little Johnny says..."$$$$! If you give me the whole bag, I'll come in
> your mouth!"
>
> ~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~* ~^~*~^~*~
>
> Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room
> after his wife gives birth to their son.
>
> Michael asks, "How long before we can have sex?"
>
> The doctor replies, "Well, you should at least wait until he's walking."

**lady_*ice** · 09-08-2002, 01:51 PM

An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i.
As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the
car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts
out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from
the waist down an all!!!"

Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a Sample
bottle,Joanne sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice
innit, don't you fink Trace?" "Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Joanne takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again,
saying,
"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to
> you?"